Ive been waiting...
Waiting patiently. Waiting alone. Waiting for something perfect for me, not settling for something just "OK" until that perfect thing comes along.
Sometimes waiting is sad. Its lonely and cold. It makes you question you decision to wait. "Am I too picky, and I deserving of what I am really waiting for, Does it really exist??"
I have definately dodged a few bullets in my life getting "Stuck" with something completely less than what is perfect for me. Its funny how you can find yourself with a boyfriend exactly the opposite of everything you stand for or want. How you start defending their laziness, their anger, their inattentiveness. "They just have a stressful job, everyone is entitled to their emotions, he just likes spending time with friends.." excuses excuses.... More than once I have found myself at "What the fuck was I thinking?"
Never underestimate the power of the "Rose colored glasses." What you think you see and feel can just as easily be a complete and total false creation of a dream you want. That perfect little family in the perfect house, with lazy days at the park laughing, swinging, eating ice cream cones. Always "talking it out" never arguing or screaming. Never going to bed mad, but making love and falling asleep with a smile on your face. Never a harsh word said or a feeling hurt. Does it exist?
No... it doesnt.
All I can hope for is a semi flawed family in a cute lil house with peeling paint and a stain on the floor. Arguements that end in "Im sorry." Hugs and kisses after the fight. Going to bed mad but knowing I wont wake up alone. Trying our bestest not to be vicious or mean or hurtful, but in case we do make it better right away. Always forgiving, always apologizing, always returning to the point of selflessness, love and respect.
Remembering "Its us against the rest of all of them." Sticking together like glue even when you piss eachother off.
That would be perfect for me.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
too much for a title
yesterday it took hours to get past a wreck on the freeway in downtown atlanta.
It was irritating and I became impatient.
We finally approached the cause. A large black SUV (I think it was a Yukon Denali XL)
the rear half of the vehicle smashed in, axial exposed and twisted, tires and wheels ripped off.
The other vehicle a smaller Toyota 4 Runner, front end smashed in to the windshield. Engine MIA
Obvious as it was, the 4 Runner rear ended the Yukon at a very high speed.
At the side of the road sat a mangled pink toddler seat and miscelleanous belongings.
"Where was the occupant of this seat?" I thought painfully to myself.
I knew.
As I watched my daughter snoozing away safely in her carseat, I thought "This could be us
at any given moment."
A child, a lover, a spouse, a mother, a best friend...
Ripped from life. Ripped from your world.
Torn out of your heart forever
Honestly the thought too much for me to bare
It also made me think
How short life is.
My life could be over in an instant before I got to.....
Tell my mother just how beautiful I think her heart is
before I got to learn to scuba dive
before I got to hear my daughter speak or see her walk
before I got to be married and loved by a soulmate
before I told all my parents how much I loved them
before I got one last walk with my charlie dog
It also made me realize....
It doesnt matter how clean my house is, if I had time to squeeze in that last workout
how irritating the guy going 45 in a 65 was.
I will not let my life be full of meaningless excuses.
that i just didnt have time
had other things to do
was waiting for the right moment
didnt have the guts
couldnt find the appropriate time
didnt want to hurt someones feelings
didnt have the money
was too tired
just couldnt fit it in
was too shy
didnt want to disappoint
was waiting for he/she/them to do/say something
didnt want to embarrass myself
didnt want to be rejected
The saddest thing I can imagine is getting to the end of something with nothing but regrets. maybe there will always be regrets. Maybe every end has plenty of "I wish I wouldve's"
All I can do is try to limit them as much as possible.
Care with all your might
Fight till the end and never give up
Love passionately with reckless abandon
Dont settle
Get swept away and never look back
Let your heart break for what breaks His
Dont get irritated or bitter
Be kind
Dont be envious of what someone has if you weren't willing to do what they did to get it
Be patient and strive for what is rightfully yours with all your heart and all your soul
Do what makes you happy
Show devotion in your acts and your emotions
Treat others as they want to be treated
Love without expectation
Give yourself freely and wholely to the one you love
Dont lose faith, always hope and love till the end of time
It was irritating and I became impatient.
We finally approached the cause. A large black SUV (I think it was a Yukon Denali XL)
the rear half of the vehicle smashed in, axial exposed and twisted, tires and wheels ripped off.
The other vehicle a smaller Toyota 4 Runner, front end smashed in to the windshield. Engine MIA
Obvious as it was, the 4 Runner rear ended the Yukon at a very high speed.
At the side of the road sat a mangled pink toddler seat and miscelleanous belongings.
"Where was the occupant of this seat?" I thought painfully to myself.
I knew.
As I watched my daughter snoozing away safely in her carseat, I thought "This could be us
at any given moment."
A child, a lover, a spouse, a mother, a best friend...
Ripped from life. Ripped from your world.
Torn out of your heart forever
Honestly the thought too much for me to bare
It also made me think
How short life is.
My life could be over in an instant before I got to.....
Tell my mother just how beautiful I think her heart is
before I got to learn to scuba dive
before I got to hear my daughter speak or see her walk
before I got to be married and loved by a soulmate
before I told all my parents how much I loved them
before I got one last walk with my charlie dog
It also made me realize....
It doesnt matter how clean my house is, if I had time to squeeze in that last workout
how irritating the guy going 45 in a 65 was.
I will not let my life be full of meaningless excuses.
that i just didnt have time
had other things to do
was waiting for the right moment
didnt have the guts
couldnt find the appropriate time
didnt want to hurt someones feelings
didnt have the money
was too tired
just couldnt fit it in
was too shy
didnt want to disappoint
was waiting for he/she/them to do/say something
didnt want to embarrass myself
didnt want to be rejected
The saddest thing I can imagine is getting to the end of something with nothing but regrets. maybe there will always be regrets. Maybe every end has plenty of "I wish I wouldve's"
All I can do is try to limit them as much as possible.
Care with all your might
Fight till the end and never give up
Love passionately with reckless abandon
Dont settle
Get swept away and never look back
Let your heart break for what breaks His
Dont get irritated or bitter
Be kind
Dont be envious of what someone has if you weren't willing to do what they did to get it
Be patient and strive for what is rightfully yours with all your heart and all your soul
Do what makes you happy
Show devotion in your acts and your emotions
Treat others as they want to be treated
Love without expectation
Give yourself freely and wholely to the one you love
Dont lose faith, always hope and love till the end of time
Saturday, February 12, 2011
is love alive
for as long as I can remember I have had this idea in my mind of how things will be when I am "Truely happy."
It invloved me being married to some tall, dark handsome man with a heart of gold. Someone compassionate who comes out to help me plant lavender in the rear yard and kisses me softly in the grass.
Living in a log cabin in the middle of nowhere. Looking out the window of that cabin and seeing my handsome husband chopping wood and my children running through the grass.
Getting up early to feed the chickens and collect eggs.
Quiet moments spent before the baby wakes sipping tea in front of the fire.
Falling to our knees in a passionate kiss in the hay with only the light of the lantern
The sight of the baby asleep on his chest
Feeding eachother with just our fingers
The smell of wet dirt
Fingers in my hair and a chest pressed against my back
Sitting by the lake at midnight, the only sound of crickets and breath
Slow dancing in the kitchen
Sundresses and ruffly panties
An Orioles nest woven into the thin branches of a weeping willow
Laying on our backs in the lawn identifying the shapes of the clouds passing by
Doing back flips on the trampoline
Sharing a single sized sleeping bag
Eating cornbeef hash out of a can that was heated over a campfire
Someone who thinks Im beautuful without makeup and my hair done
A lazy day at the beach making sandcastles with my floppy hatted girl
Sharing homemade granola and fruit atop a 5000ft mountain pass
Never losing the energy or desire to pour out all your love everyday all over your spouse.
So many times Ive given up on these ideals thinking them ludarcris. Wishful thinking.. or whatever. Really just not wanting to face the truth that maybe that type of life doesnt exist?
But honestly I am married to these ideas, and to give up on them or to accept life with someone who cannot give me all of them would be life cheating on myself and my ideals. And I definitely do not want to do that.
Im done giving up hope. Well at least for the moment :)
It invloved me being married to some tall, dark handsome man with a heart of gold. Someone compassionate who comes out to help me plant lavender in the rear yard and kisses me softly in the grass.
Getting up early to feed the chickens and collect eggs.
Quiet moments spent before the baby wakes sipping tea in front of the fire.
Falling to our knees in a passionate kiss in the hay with only the light of the lantern
The sight of the baby asleep on his chest
Feeding eachother with just our fingers
The smell of wet dirt
Fingers in my hair and a chest pressed against my back
Sitting by the lake at midnight, the only sound of crickets and breath
Slow dancing in the kitchen
Sundresses and ruffly panties
An Orioles nest woven into the thin branches of a weeping willow
Laying on our backs in the lawn identifying the shapes of the clouds passing by
Doing back flips on the trampoline
Sharing a single sized sleeping bag
Eating cornbeef hash out of a can that was heated over a campfire
Someone who thinks Im beautuful without makeup and my hair done
A lazy day at the beach making sandcastles with my floppy hatted girlSharing homemade granola and fruit atop a 5000ft mountain pass
Never losing the energy or desire to pour out all your love everyday all over your spouse.
So many times Ive given up on these ideals thinking them ludarcris. Wishful thinking.. or whatever. Really just not wanting to face the truth that maybe that type of life doesnt exist?
But honestly I am married to these ideas, and to give up on them or to accept life with someone who cannot give me all of them would be life cheating on myself and my ideals. And I definitely do not want to do that.
Im done giving up hope. Well at least for the moment :)
Your negativity eats up the space
that was to be a sunday dinner.
Redirecting every conversation
strategically back upon yourself.
To talk to you, about you, for you is all you need.
But to digest a subject void of you would make you sick.
You dont even know or notice that the others swoon to protect you
like trolls slitherling helplessly beneath their leader.
Your power of naysaying has downdroden many akin.
But you will not get beneath my skin.
In fact, the black cloud that invisbly cloaks you
follows you out the door
and the sunshine rushes in more than enough to fill the space
and I smile because I know
I am not like you
that was to be a sunday dinner.
Redirecting every conversation
strategically back upon yourself.
To talk to you, about you, for you is all you need.
But to digest a subject void of you would make you sick.
You dont even know or notice that the others swoon to protect you
like trolls slitherling helplessly beneath their leader.
Your power of naysaying has downdroden many akin.
But you will not get beneath my skin.
In fact, the black cloud that invisbly cloaks you
follows you out the door
and the sunshine rushes in more than enough to fill the space
and I smile because I know
I am not like you
Thursday, February 10, 2011
same side of the tracks
Today I was at the WIC office with Ali. Shes on a special kind of formula that costs $300 a month so thank God for gvt $$ :)
Anyways, as Ali and I sit in the waiting room alone this big huge black prisoner is mopping the floors. He looks just like the guy in The Green Mile. Here in GA they work the prisoners butts off doing all kinds of things, cleaning, road side pick up and landscaping, etc.. So as this guy approaches me he looks at me a couple of times. I smiled once and he got this strange look on his face.
Then he says "Maam may I ask you your name?" So I tell him and he tells me his name is John. I shake his sweaty calloused hand and say "nice to meet you John." Looking nervous he then says "This may sound weird but I feel compelled to tel you something. I want to tell you that Jesus Christ died for your sins and he loves you so so much."
I could tell he was timid and almost seemed embarrassed to be talking in this manner to me. He then said "I know we come from different sides of the tracks and all" and I stopped him and said "No. We all come from the same side of the tracks. Your my brother in Christ just as I your sister, and God loves us equally."
He started to cry
This touched me so deeply I cannot express it in words. First of all it has always been in my nature to judge, especially a black prisoner, and here in this moment I truly felt and knew we were equal. Nothing he has done was any worse than anything I had done in Gods eyes. A sin is a sin.
He told me had another 7 yrs to go but he knew everything would be okay because he has found Jesus in prison. With a smile he told me his nieces and nephews wont even recognize the man he comes back as because when he left he was a mean hardened criminal. I could see pride and esteem in his eyes and that made me feel good for him.
I asked him if they had minstiries that were coming to visit and he said they had in the past but they stopped coming. He said that the prisoners are starving to hear the word of God. Starving for the "outsiders" to come visit and bring the good news.
Its so common for churches or people in general to want to help the homeless, the children, the elderly, etc... But what about the men? What about all of the thousands of lost souls behind prison walls?
As I walked away he said "You made my week maam." and I thought to myself "No you made mine."
"Thank you God for opening my eyes and giving me compassion for someone I normally would not have it for. Thank you for using this man to tell me you love me yet again and confirm your awesome love. Thank you for helping me become a more tender hearted person that I may feel comfortable in talking with someone like this man about all your glory."
Anyways, as Ali and I sit in the waiting room alone this big huge black prisoner is mopping the floors. He looks just like the guy in The Green Mile. Here in GA they work the prisoners butts off doing all kinds of things, cleaning, road side pick up and landscaping, etc.. So as this guy approaches me he looks at me a couple of times. I smiled once and he got this strange look on his face.
Then he says "Maam may I ask you your name?" So I tell him and he tells me his name is John. I shake his sweaty calloused hand and say "nice to meet you John." Looking nervous he then says "This may sound weird but I feel compelled to tel you something. I want to tell you that Jesus Christ died for your sins and he loves you so so much."
I could tell he was timid and almost seemed embarrassed to be talking in this manner to me. He then said "I know we come from different sides of the tracks and all" and I stopped him and said "No. We all come from the same side of the tracks. Your my brother in Christ just as I your sister, and God loves us equally."
He started to cry
This touched me so deeply I cannot express it in words. First of all it has always been in my nature to judge, especially a black prisoner, and here in this moment I truly felt and knew we were equal. Nothing he has done was any worse than anything I had done in Gods eyes. A sin is a sin.
He told me had another 7 yrs to go but he knew everything would be okay because he has found Jesus in prison. With a smile he told me his nieces and nephews wont even recognize the man he comes back as because when he left he was a mean hardened criminal. I could see pride and esteem in his eyes and that made me feel good for him.
I asked him if they had minstiries that were coming to visit and he said they had in the past but they stopped coming. He said that the prisoners are starving to hear the word of God. Starving for the "outsiders" to come visit and bring the good news.
Its so common for churches or people in general to want to help the homeless, the children, the elderly, etc... But what about the men? What about all of the thousands of lost souls behind prison walls?
As I walked away he said "You made my week maam." and I thought to myself "No you made mine."
"Thank you God for opening my eyes and giving me compassion for someone I normally would not have it for. Thank you for using this man to tell me you love me yet again and confirm your awesome love. Thank you for helping me become a more tender hearted person that I may feel comfortable in talking with someone like this man about all your glory."
Monday, February 7, 2011
I need a gun
On my drive home from work today I past a buzzard that was injured. It couldnt fly and its wing and side was bloody.
I could hear my grandma saying "Just ring his Neck!!"
Yeah Im not really sure how to ring a neck, but I do wish I carried a gun just for these instances.
It hurts me to leave an animal who is suffering.
I thought about pulling it from the ditch and running over its head.
But he was ginormous and I didnt feel like getting pecked to death.
Sorry my buzzard friend :(
I could hear my grandma saying "Just ring his Neck!!"
Yeah Im not really sure how to ring a neck, but I do wish I carried a gun just for these instances.
It hurts me to leave an animal who is suffering.
I thought about pulling it from the ditch and running over its head.
But he was ginormous and I didnt feel like getting pecked to death.
Sorry my buzzard friend :(
let me breathe!!
Good thing Im single cuz Im quite sure someone waking up to this would scream and run.
I am so stuffy I cant breathe. Yet my nose is running like crazy (hence the tissues up my nose.) I love how breathe right strips give you gorilla nose (or nostril flare as some people call it) then it rips your skin off later. AWESOME! well whatever. Gotta breathe right!
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