the biggest lie..

Twelve years ago I was newly married. We were young, trying to do the best we could living in a sinful world, Las Vegas happened to be our home at the time. Nothing was much different about our lives from anyone else. We were trying to do the right things. Going to church, attending a bible study. Sure we were imperfect beings, nothing huge, a drunken night here a strip club there. Heck we lived in Vegas right! It just seemed the thing to do. Not soon after we started going to the bible study, I met a man there. He was much older than I. A mortgage broker. Both my husband and I were Realtors. Right away we became friends and he started giving me business. Alot of business. Within a very short amount of time I was making thousands of dollars a month from these referrals. Randy and I would meet up for lunch to discuss the business and other up and coming business. It felt like it was an opportunity of a lifetime for me! One day he asked if i could meet for dinner to discuss a new client. I didn't hesitate as I was loving this new success! I want to add here that because this guy had met me in bible study he knew things about me that most did not know. Bible study was a place I felt safe at. A place I had opened up about having what I thought was a growing drinking problem. At dinner we ordered wine. I was not going to pass up a good glass of Pinot! We discussed business, had a couple more glasses of wine, and then it happened. I found myself discussing my marriage and personal details about my life with someone else. It seemed so easy at the time. After all this guy knew my husband. He saw us together every Sunday night! He responded to my disappointments with such understanding (so I thought.) About how I hated that my husband always did things without me, that he always drove separately every where we went, etc. Randy seemed to have this insight over my whole situation as he acknowledged all the things I was saying and assured me this was NOT normal. The conversation grew late, and I was feeling very disjointed with my marriage. How could a total outsider see so much of what was disappointing me? Was it that obvious to everyone? Was it really as bad as I was feeling it was or was this just the wine talking? I was so confused. The conversation ended with Randy giving me lots of compliments. How great of a business woman I was, how sweet, beautiful, gracious I was. That he wished he would meet someone like me. I felt very flattered. As I stumbled out to my car, much later than I intended to, I got to the door and Randy grabbed my arm and kissed me. It felt so wrong, yet there was something a little intriguing about it. I quickly drove off. I told my husband the next day about what happened and he was furious, but forgiving. He demanded I never see or speak to this guy again. What happened over the next few months has taken me over ten years to understand. I am not fully over it. Over the next few months (maybe three) my life was turned completely upside down. I was fighting with my husband about what happened, trying to maintain my business, my dad went head first into the gutter (literally) into his alcoholism and was near death, my aunt came to visit Las Vegas with her boyfriend and ended up in ICU there for 10 weeks with an unknown illness (which we later discovered to be brain cancer), Randy pursued me and I had a hard time turning away. I felt like I needed the business, I felt like I needed the support. So much was happening all at once. My husband was mad. I was mad at him because I had a sick father and a sick aunt and no one to lean on. I started to lean more and more on Randy. The one calm and supportive voice (so I thought) in the whole messed up situation. The conviction of my actions was multiplying daily. I stopped working out. I wasn't eating right. The mental anguish of what was going on was so heavy I started drinking more. Alot more. Its funny how when you are hurting so deeply Satan will be right there to open doors you never knew existed. The Realtor in the next cube just happens to reveal he is a coke dealer. You find new client friends who want to go out and party all night. Anything to take my mind off what was going on and the decisions I was making sounded good at the time. One night at about 3am I came home, of course wasted. My husband had my suitcase packed. He kicked me out. He told me I was acting like I was demon possessed. Which made me furious! Now I can see that I probably was acting under the influence of a demon. I had dived head first into a big pool of satan soup. That night began a full on relationship with "the other guy." It was not that I was ever in love with him. I wasn't. I really cant even explain to this day how I got sucked in. All I can say is that there were gaps in my life in which everyone has that Randy was able to pick up on and used as his tools to suck me in. Every short coming my husband possessed Randy promised to fill. He knew my weaknesses by hearing them in bible study and formulated a plan to use those to get to me. Just as another "pastor" friend would years later. My husband divorced me six months after we were married. Several times we had met up. There was a desire in me to go back, to beg for his forgiveness. But every time I did I saw what I had created. I had turned a very sweet and gentle man into a hurt, broken and angry shell of the person I once knew. The professional organized person now sat at home barely able to work pounding down bottle after bottle of wine, Im sure trying to forget me. The house was a total wreck. Food containers all over, it was pure devastation. All at the hands of myself. The feeling of guilt I felt when I saw him was too much for me. How could I even think of making this work again? He deserves better! He could never forgive me! His family and friends would always hate me! Ive ruined him forever! He was better off without a wretch like me. I started hating myself so much there were many days I wished I would die. My days were fueled by a constant line of cocaine washed down with a vodka tonic. The only way I could function was in "numb." I worked this way, slept this way. I functioned like this for about 6 months. Eventually I couldn't take the drugs anymore so I went straight for booze. I tried cleaning up my act, a little. Really just because I was forced to. Randy and I were living together. To him he had what he wanted. And I suppose he thought so did I. I think in his mind we both wanted eachother and now we would be together forever and could have a happy life? Deep down I did not feel that way. I felt like a trapped slave. One with out a voice. One who was responsible for her own capture and demise. My tongue had been cut out. I did not have the strength to stand on my own two feet. The damage was done. I had dug my own grave and now I must lie in it. I lived with Randy for almost three years. God reached out to me so many times. I felt it. I knew it was Him. But Satan whispered in my other ear and told me I didn't deserve the salvation that was waiting for me. He showed me daily what I had done and convicted me of it. The pain hurt so deep sometimes the only way I could deal was to cut it out, literally. Watch the pain flow out in a stream of red. I left scars behind, ones I could see and ones I couldn't. Its been 12 years now. The pain is still real. The conviction is still there but I know I am forgiven. Not only by my ex husband and his family, but by my God. Does this make it less painful? Maybe a little. But my decisions that year caused me a lifetime of regret, loss of self worth, an internal labeling of myself as an adulteress. I really do believe that when you have made a decision such as I have, something spiritual happens to you. I have been susceptible to other situations similar to the one I just described. Its like a spirit of adultery is following me around, waiting for me to have a gap in faith. Here is a list of the things I have discovered to be truths based on the above events: Adultery will make you do sick things. Things you would never dream you were capable of. Satan will help you (and you will be a willing participant) in creating lies about your spouse, how rotten they are, how bad they treat you, all the awful horrible things they do, so you can justify your actions. You will believe all of those lies and defend them to the death. You will turn your back on friends and family. You will seek out ONLY those that will agree with what you are doing. You will turn away from God. The gospel with be poison to your ears, the bible will collect dust on your shelf. Your selfish decisions will blind you to the hurt you are causing others. You wont be able to see your hurting children, family, etc. Its all about you. You will neglect yourself. Health and beauty will fall away as a priority. Your conviction and pain will become so immense you will do Anything to relieve it and satan will be standing right there with a whole arsenal of painkillers for you. Drugs, booze, sex, maybe even suicide. Anything to keep you numb so you don't come to your senses. You will walk in a fog. A deep dense fog will cloud your mind everyday, breaking every so often so you can see the devastation your are leaving behind, but when that happens it will hurt, really really bad. That will be one of your crossroads points. You can choose to turn into the pain, face the devastation and beg God to drag you through. Most will turn the other way. The other way seems so less painful. Satan will take your hand and pour you a drink of pure lies. This whole time God will be reaching out to you. Hoping to pull you out of this fog. Hoping that you will say "ENOUGH!" Hoping that you will choose righteousness. His hand will be extended the whole time while you are rolling around in bed with satan. Hopefully one day you will muster up enough courage to walk away. You will be scared, broken and severely damaged. You will never be the same. Hopefully you will fall to your knees and beg God to forgive you and to restore you. And if you ask with a genuine heart, HE will. If I could see myself through spiritual eyes I know that I would look like a war survivor. The scars I have are self inflicted. They cover my body and my soul. I have to fight everyday to keep conviction out of my head. I feel most days like I have survived a war, and came out on the other side with PTSD. I have anxiety, depression. I am truly an alcoholic/addict. I have no coping skills. I withdraw from society because I am scared people will hurt me. I am now a work in progress. I have acknowledged all of my shortcomings. With Gods help I am reinventing myself. Creating a new foundation in which satan doesn't have a chance in hell. One in which I can handle a stressful situation and react with humbleness and grace. I rely on God to help me through the day instead of relying upon my mind, which I have learned is more like a battlefield. I pray eachday for the protection of the Holy Spirit to guard me against the things that serve to be dangers in my life. I have learned through all of this that God and only God is THE way, THE truth and THE life. There is NO other path to happiness other than through Him. His light beats out ALL darkness. His hand pulls us out of the deepest of hole. What is amazing to me is that is all this God never gave up on me. He was patient, forgiving, nurturing. He gave me blessings afterwards in which I do NOT feel I deserve. A wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, and ANOTHER daughter on the way. He believes I deserve all this!?! Its amazing, and hard to believe sometimes. If I could only see myself in the way God sees me.

congrats

What you have settled for...


is exactly what you deserve.

honesty

someone who reads my blog yesterday
asked me why I am so honest and write the things I do.

They said "Arent you afraid people will think negatively of you after they read all that you share?"

Honestly...no I am not.

First off, this is MY blog. My thoughts, my feelings, my emotions

and if someone reads something that offends them, makes them not like me anymore, think negativity of me then so sorry.

I dont write to make friends. I dont write to influence anyone, make anyone feel good (or bad), bust anyone, ridicule anyone etc..

sure if you are close to me you may find one day yourself in my blog.

If I love (or loved) you you may find yourself the center of a number of entries...

Thats the way life is. The ones who are closest to us often hurt us the most.

And thats what I write about

Its my way of dealing with pain, with loss, with grief

It is my hope that by sharing my emotions and experiences with anyone who reads they may identify with something and walk away with a sense of commonality

We are all imperfect beings, with crazy thoughts, blemished pasts, broken relationships, crippled emotions, and insufficient compassion for one another.

I share to better myself...that is all

sorry

I hurt a friends feelings yesterday over text with a misunderstanding.

Texting is sometimes such a bad way of communicating,

sarcasm or joking can be totally taken out of context.

Anyways I apologized several times and made things right.

the power of "Im So Sorry" is underestimated

and just not used enough...

have you said it lately??

Sometimes its needed when you didnt even do anything wrong.

"Im sorry" can diffuse and bring people back together.

But it requires a loss of self pride.

where the heart is

I went out tonight with a couple of friends.
Dressed up all cute..Lisa did my hair.

Went to the pub which I cant stand.
Got to inhale lots of 2nd hand smoke
and get hit on by a couple of drunk douches.

I nursed my vodka tonic knowing muscle pump was at 9am
didnt want to dehydrate my muscles.

What am oddball I am. I guarantee no one in this bar is thinking
about their "Dehydrated muscles"
except me.

As the night progressed I wanted nothing more than to be home
doing what I always do.
that one thing..or maybe those things...
what ever that is.
Just not this.

I looked around at everyone.
Nothing is impressing me in this place.
The glazed over glances, crooked smiles with tobacco stained teeth
cheap one liners, plates full of greasy bar food,
the couple thats been married 23 yrs who still goes and gets shitfaced together after all that time.
Now THAT is love, or something.

I have nothing in common with anyone here.
This is not my place, not my people.
Sure if someone fell over dead I would administer CPR
but I dont want to come over for a BBQ next SAT
or have you take me out to dinner.

Nor do I want to go to IHOP or Waffle House with my friends!
Eww
Maybe Im a food/nutrition snob
who knows.

I feel out of sorts. Where do I belong? Is there a slot I fit neatly into?


I got home, made Ali a bottle, woke her up and fed her.
I smelled her hair the whole time and rubbed my lips on her head.

Yes, this is the place.
This is that one thing that I do. Where I belong.
This is home.

good intentions

A song at church today entitled "We are human" made me think of somethings that have been bothering me the last couple of days.

I sometimes find myself making bad decisions, doing stupid things, letting myself fall too hard to fast, etc.

99.9% of all those things are solely based on emotion.

and here I thought I was always thinking logically!>!

But...I am human.

I make mistakes, do stupid things and have moments of insecurities.

We all have our moments.

Mistakes show us what needs improving.

However,
The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one.

Thats a hard thing for me.

Im so worried Im going to screw something up ,so I end up screwing it up.

Does that make sense?

Sometimes its not totally my fault.. Some people just have no tolerance for others insecurities, mistakes, etc.

Uggh... I hate that. I always have good intentions. Whether it is showing love to someone, nurturing someone, protecting someone, etc... Its just that sometimes my actions arent in line with my intentions.

Im still learning...

Entitlement

I was just talking with my boss about his divorce
and it amazes me at the "Sense of entitlement" that some people have.

Its really disgusting I tell you!

First off, when someone gets married its supposed to be FOREVER.
So why would someone expect HALF of what they had built up that was to be FOREVER
when they went out and cheated (with 5 different men btw) ?!?!!!?


Not to mention the damage they do to the man and the children.

It seems to matter not that this poor guys heart was ripped out, idea of his happy family washed away and woman he loved gone and betrayed.

Gimme gimme gimme!!!!

If I fucked someone over like that Id take my tail btwn my legs and walk away forever, leaving him everything that was supposed to be ours forever and let him live happily and free.

But definately not expect ANYTHING from him or ESPECIALLY for him to ever want me again?!

I think people can change. I think cheaters can become non cheaters. But only if they find someone else. Cheaters will always cheat on the person they have already cheated on. They have already lost respect for that person anyways so there is nothing keeping them from doing it. And they obviously have something major missing in that relationship with that person anyways to have gotten them to the point of cheating in the first place.

Its so unfair how such a selfish act does so much damage. As Rihanna says "You mise well take a gun and put it to his head, get it over with."